Sports I Would Place into Room 101
Posted by Rob Shepherd on Tuesday, August 1, 2017
This summer, as part of my recovery from battle football addiction, I’ve tried a few other sports with a mixed degree of success. In this article, I am appointing myself Tsar of Sport. I have the power to endorse a sport or place it into the dreaded Room 101; in Room 101 all memory of it is removed. It no longer exists in this or any other dimension. It’s all for fun but see if you agree with me.
I get pretty jealous of people who love all sport! I have friends who can watch anything sport related, they will stick Sky Sports on in the morning and watch whatever is served up. In my defence, I’m a specialist, at a pub quiz I can answer a question about a Division Two football ground from twenty years ago, but I’m stumped (pun intended) on any cricket questions!
So, imagine a new world order, one in which I control the destiny of sport. In this article, I will argue the reasons why a sport should or shouldn’t be banished into Room 101 forever! But this is no democracy, my (biased and often ill-thought out) decision is final.
American Football
There are many reasons for me not to like American football. The first may seem a bit petty and trivial but I hate how they have taken our word “football”, meaning millions of people around the world use the word “soccer” instead of football. Like I said, petty but it really grinds my gears!
The sport itself, I don’t find exciting. It feels like someone has taken the game of rugby, done a health and safety assessment and decided the game is too dangerous to play without 17 layers of protection on and a helmet. I have no doubt it’s a tough and physical game, however, just seems a bit like boxing with a suit of armour on to me!
As a kid, I did try and get into the sport, in the 80’s I got my hands on a copy of “4th & Inches” for the Commodore 64 which gave a good insight into the tactical side of the game. I knew my shotgun from my blitz and the game itself was good entertainment for a week or two but this short-lived insight wasn’t enough to entice me to become a fan.
I am trying to separate the sport from the over the top commercialism of it all. The halftime “wardrobe malfunctions”, the $5 million price tag on a 30-second advert and salaries for players that top $27 million a year leave a bitter taste in the mouth. But I’m being a bit harsh, all of these issues exist in the Premier League (well maybe not the wardrobe malfunctions – ED) and it’s just a sign of the times.
Verdict: Room 101
I know millions love American Football and this will affect a lot of people but don’t fear, the remedy is simple, watch a game called rugby! It’s pretty much the same thing but it is played by hard men and not a helmet in sight.
Cricket
Even the mere suggestion of putting cricket in here will enrage some people. Invented in England, it’s part of our heritage, our identity and it embraces so many values that we class as “British”. A sense of fair play, sportsmanship and perhaps even more importantly, we are actually quite good at it! We are ranked fourth in the world in tests, one day internationals and rated second in the world at Twenty20.
So, what’s my beef with cricket?
I think cricket is the marmite of sport! I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to someone who sits on the fence about cricket, they love it or hate it. But why is that? Part of the problem is that it can be incredibly slow action. Then you get stops in play when it starts “spitting” and if the sun goes behind a cloud for 5 minutes they stop the game for “bad light”. It can be pretty tedious.
There is also this feeling that cricket is a middleclass sport with a lot of snobbery involved, the original prawn cocktail sandwich brigade.
I had somewhat of a strange introduction into cricket. I was seventeen at the time and was in the Royal Navy. The commanding officer was a bit of a cricket nut and was in a bad mood because his duties that day meant he would miss a test match. Being a young gobshite, I stupidly made some witty (imo) comment about how he should be grateful as I couldn’t think of anything worse. Big mistake!
As my “punishment” he made me watch the entire series and I had to write down every single over, who scored, who was batting etc. I was being used as a human teletext service!
At first, I was mortified. I didn’t even understand the game, when was it LBW? What is a silly mid off? And of course, I was dreading having to give my report at the end of the day.
My attitude soon changed when I realised that my punishment was actually getting me out of a 5- mile run and 4 hours of drill practice. So, rather than hate the experience, I actually enjoyed it.
Over the years, I have found myself watching more and more cricket, the twenty20 format has awoken my interest. It almost brings the excitement of baseball (or rounders) with the strategy element of cricket and the limited number of overs means you see a lot more aggressive batting.
Verdict: Save
I just couldn’t put cricket into Room 101. Whilst not my favourite sport, I can peacefully co-exist on this planet with cricket! Also, it’s nice that we have a sport that we sometimes beat the Australians in (consider it payback for Neighbours, Home and Away and Jason Donovan!).
In 1994, the whole dynamic of England cricket supporters changed with the introduction of England’s “Barmy Army”. No longer would the crowds be quiet, now cricket fans were singing football style chants, doing the conga and dressing up as St George wherever they went. Miles apart from its stuffy past, cricket became fun!
Basketball
There are certain sports that are fun to play when younger but are utterly boring for armchair sport fans. Basketball is such a sport!
The beauty of the sport is its simplicity, put a ball through a hoop! But in its simplicity, comes the problem, it’s like watching a metronome! The constant attack – score, attack – score, attack – score. The repetition is only broken up occasionally for a time-out, foul or an unlikely interception.
Surprisingly, the players earn more in basketball than they do in American football with the top players earning in excess of $34 million per year. I may be downplaying the skill involved in the game but from what I can gather, the taller you are, the better.
I think even the broadcasters get bored! In most of the games I have caught on TV, they are more transfixed with what celebs they can spot in the audience, rather than concentrating on the action. Although it’s pretty easy to recap on the action. “they attacked, they scored, they attacked, they scored, ad infinitum, ad infinitum”.
Verdict: Room 101
I am happy to accept that it could well be a cultural thing and if I had been (subjected to) watching basketball from a young age then maybe I’d feel different. I was a bit concerned that if I placed basketball into Room 101 then the great film, “White Men Can’t Jump” staring Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes would never have been made! But on reflection, it’s a price I’m willing to pay.